Back In January I decided to write a ‘happy list’ and keep it in my notes app to make a note at the end of each day of anything brought me joy or deep feeling of any kind, to look back at and draw lessons or a smile from the end of the year.
The year is ending now and there is a genocide.
The list naturally hardened into a moments of clarity list, of which there have been many. I have reproduced it in full unedited with some photographs i did not put on the internet this year. There are some links to the last three months of radio shows I made.
~
I have experienced the last three months from the dubious vantage point of Berlin, cursed by proximity to the arrogant poison of german zionism in its many forms yet blessed to be guided into the right tasks at the right times by experienced elders and wiser peers. the organising has been frenzied but strategic and i am so thankful to be navigating this fracture in reality in proximity to sharp political minds who help me to think as well as feel through what is happening. I feel changed by this time in ways I’ve not quite reckoned with yet. The Täternation knows only how to cheer when it is time for mass murder, as we knew in theory but now see in practice. The whole social fabric of a world made out of silence and inconsistency is ripping now, loudly. We push it to distortion.
I feel chastened and scared in ways that are new, but braver in ways that are newer still. staring into the darkness with absolute certainty! Amongst the worst of humanity that we are seeing lies the best, the only way out of this. As the genocide of reaches a new level of orgiastic evil every day, and our leaders are content throw money at the show, we are witnessing more people wake up to Palestine and choose the path of solidarity, despite the consequences in Germany, learning what that means in this very specific context, and taking action. It is an indelible beauty amongst all of this slaughter.
To give you a soundtrack, here are my radio shows from October, November and December. Like I said, its been a busy couple months! That’s four hours of liberation radio for you, variously:
October: Samir Al Amir - an interview with a freedom fighter about spending 21 years as a political prisoner which I was lucky enough to do on my last visit to the West Bank
November: Solidarity Forever: a report on the ground in Berlin on solidarity and organising against genocide (including interviews with people facing repression, an intro to psychotic excesses of german subcultural zionism, and a ‘Know Your rights’ info from my buddy at the ELSC) and some bangers:
For my December show, simply an hour of righteous Anti-War Punk and Hardcore plus a tribute to Benjamin Zephaniah:
November 4th. We are sitting outside RISA, the fried chicken shop, exhausted but marvelling over having somehow pulled off a mass demo after almost a month of brutally enforced Berlin-wide demo bans and Israel’s assault on Gaza. My comrade jumps up suddenly, recognising a friend who has just arrived from Masafer Yatta. He sits down next to an organiser born in Gaza’s Jabalia Camp, and the two men set about figuring out what their connections are, even though the dying regime in their homeland would prevent them from ever crossing paths. They stand up to send a selfie of this improbable Berlin rendezvous to their quickly discovered mutual friends, cackling as they review the pic and see they’ve been photobombed by the giant phalanx of armed riot police assembling around us. “At least you won’t get homesick!” Grim laughter echoes across Sonnennallee. This is my street, and home to Europe’s biggest community of Palestinians, many of whom came here from refugee camps in Lebanon and Syria. On this block, we do phone repairs at Al Aqsa Electro, we toot shisha on the terrace of Café Salaam, bedecked year-round with the Palestinian flags of its logo, and at Fairouz, named for the iconic singer, you can glug black tea under the wall-sized neon map of Palestine til you pass out. It is perhaps unsurprising officers have been bussed-in in their thousands from around the country to remind everyone who makes this place what it is that their presence is contingent, conditional, barely tolerated. They did this by patrolling the streets in ridiculous numbers, conducting house raids, and deploying giant water cannon the size of houses to put out small bin fires. Since October 7th more than a thousand people have been arrested, and hundreds of fines for wearing a kuffiyeh, raising a flag or chanting ‘Viva Viva Palestina!’ were handed out. I saw the limp bodies of young men beaten unconscious being flopped into ambulances. In the first week I was tasked with archiving footage and in one video there is a little boy’s face, crying for his mum, surrounded by police, that is seared into my brain. He was nine.
THE LIST (sorry, unedited!)
JANUARY
A quieter mind / Explaining the word ‘faff’ to an American / Karim Younes is set free from Israeli jails after 40 years / Magali durum with the hundred metre wide flatbread / Swimming in Schelmitzersee, it was 9 degrees 7th January / Flirting while working and getting flustered
being good at my job / orange karotte cake in a cafe with no wifi / Little Dwi remembering my name / keeping up the yoga challenge / the unnameable word of joy and pride in watching your friends perform
Dancing with Ana / looking up at the ceiling of a venue that won’t exist very soon while totally blown speakers play blitz - new age and thinking about old friends and old lovers I had a band that covered this song five years another lifetime and a whole hemisphere away and how silly beautiful music which is both forever new and my only constant / seinfield
FEBRUARY
Matchmaking with Lauren on the radio / Finding some nice brown trousers / Practicing my ع
taking myself on a holiday / the Jericho dates in the orange box / Strolling around Flatbush with no plans / When the sun came suddenly out at the lake with Zach after we ate trini roti folded into a cube / The Afghan Pedicab drivers at Central Park praying in the corner on matching turquoise mats
Jess and I having last spoken ten years ago have drawn so many of the same conclusions about life and how she knew to tell me not to look down as we took the ladder back down from the roof / Chicago jack Traxxx at chaos computer and dancing so hard I caused some concern
Guy at church ave Q whispers completely to himself ‘damn’ as I walk past / Buying records based only the labels / layla reality and the insane inverse zen of knowing what pleases your pals / the olive oil cake at macosa / The minds of Jenn and Liz Pelly / Brace getting recognised by gumshoes at Spicy Village
In March - I forgot the list
APRIL
Processing rage at being accused of anti-semitism by my bandmate during a really long Hungarian film called Satantango / Got doughnuts made in the shape of UK Garage to say goodbye to Matt / The way Nelson says Porco Dio / The tree outside my window / walking around pasting up posters with my cap on like a vandal / Remembering that my body WILL respond to yoga / Indonesian Eid party at Anna’s and dwi’s devil outfit / Amira taking a huge puff of weed at my party and says ‘free balestine bitchessss’ / Beetroot on the pasta
MAY
Buying a huge fuckin passion flower and riding it home in my bag / i made everyone a lasagne / learning how to play one song on top of the other so silly / i went to a marxism conference run nearly entirely in German and Ilan Pappé said ‘we are entering zionisms final chapter, the trouble with final chapters is they usually go on way too long’ / took Katie to Vabali and marvelled at how wet heat and dry heat are all we really need
JUNE
Hanging out with Ribbon Stage in Berlin / therapist rolling her eyes at ‘i’ve eroticised safety, i think’ / recording Misere at allee der kosmonauten with sticky calippo thighs / Phuong teaching me how to patch the Soundcraft / uber driver whose family were expelled from Tiberius in 1947 gives Israel ‘five years maximum’ / sitting in my bed with the red light having drunk an ill advised espresso at 11pm listening to the KLF and the crying with joy at the line ‘fishing in the rivers of life’ / the gentle offer of an application of sunscreen under my backrolls / right now lying in hammock on Sunday june 11th at 17:30 / geophone on sheet metal / katie in the harbour in Copenhagen when i was moaning and she just laughed and said ‘you’re not special babes’
JULY
I GOT BACK IN to Palestine / walking my favourite route through the old city of al quds just after sunset / Handala’s smile / He plays the clarinet / a moment with Rwand and Qusai attaching microphones to stones and throwing them / every child is always already a sound artist / the way they love the feeling of dull warm calm with the over ear headphones, almost as much as they love screaming into the piezo / Qalayat Bandoora on the roof / Getting a tattoo from the first guy to get a tattoo license in Palestine at the most truly deranged home studio ever / Romi saved up for a new iPhone with a zoom so good he can film the snipers / I sang Calon Lân out over the camp with a quiver in my voice / Fedayeen Dido on the hebron road / Mary-kate was singing a sinead o’connor song with Athal the moment we found out she had died and I was certain god was real for a good three hours / on a concrete roof making kofte under the floodlights from the military base / just staring into the darkness and hugging my friends with absolute certainty
AUGUST
Decompression in the Buckow lake / nonnie my growing neice covered my body in pebbles on me on the beach to help calm me down / The ferris wheel on shrooms with Maria / taking Special Interest to the Tobi Carvery in morriston / leigh recorded a music video for Yfory with the super8 and i took her to my favourite stone / ezra and nonnie got to meet alli and maria
SEPTEMBER
Spending time with my old friend and noticing how her new name fits my mouth easy as my tongue / the way I meant it when I said If I never get to be in romantic love again but I get to keep and grow the love of the friendships I have, I’d take it
Coki dropped anti-war dub and Lisa said ‘I’ve never seen you dance like that before’ / Rainy Miller (easily Album of the year that) at Atonal running about like a mad lad / Eating mayonnaise with my hands at Columbiabad / visiting the International Congress Centrum / Surusinghe at Corsica with Vic ‘Am I a voyeur or just hypervigilant?’ / Realising that meetings where english ist einfach sooo peinlich is the motivation i needed
and then
OCTOBER
Got a voice message during a genocide
Couldn’t sleep during a genocide
The way time changes during a genocide
Noticing we organise harder and smarter the worse it gets during a genocide
Pulling myself together during a genocide
Fastest friendships during a genocide
Divesting from unnecessary indulgences like social awkwardness and self-regard during a genocide
Went for a walk during a genocide
Watched a film during a genocide
Forgot to wash during a genocide
Sat and wept during a genocide
Sleeping alone during a genocide
Wondering what revolution feels like in your bones during a genocide
Signal and Canva during a genocide
I started praying during a genocide
trying to “““work””” during a genocide
trusting you to know exactly what we should do during a genocide
The ones I love are enemies of the state
NOVEMBER
I open the telephone
Instagram: baby with no head
Telegram: this lesbian cafe just condemned hamas
Signal: [redacted]
WhatsApp: German housemate is unhappy with the brand of toilet cleaner I used
I cycle to work in a daze and demand the sky explain what possible right it has to be there
The realisation that every skill I’ve got (and a number i definitely don’t) is being put to use in this moment, that it all comes down to what we do now
the poster for the mass demo i made with a cracked copy of photoshop on a laptop with half a screen makes it into the window of the famous anti-deustch café
they say 20,000 people came out onto the streets for it
I wonder what else they will do if the demos are allowed again
i wonder what we could all do
together
A text from my friend saying that he is sleeping in his car and scared the soldiers will find him tonight makes me stop breathing then is immediately followed up with a selfie flashing the victory sign and the words ‘we will win’
i scold myself for letting germany cloud my view
DECEMBER
They raided Karanfil café today
and the teenage girls who made an instagram post about the feminism and the PFLP were pulled from their beds by 170 masked riot cops and a TV crew
I thought about terror meinungsfreiheit
illusions of safety
then I ate and rested a little as if I deserved it
the moral witnesses live on in sin and our only redemption will be a world built entirely anew and named for the ones that got taken away, i reckon
in the end there was no end
this year does not end until the genocide does
the vision just has to get sharper
~
For I love you, say Free Palestine. (after Bonney)
See you next spiral xoxobb